Not a gentleman
by marelle26
Summary: After Elizabeth's refusal in Hunsford, Mr. Darcy has a little inner argument in himself about his behavior.


**Hi, everyone! here is a little one-shot about Mr. Darcy's reflexion. It is my first story in English, please forgive the mistakes in grammar or things like that: I had to write it in English, it didn't sound great in french (rather weird, I know, but it turned in my head for a few hours and only in English). I hope you will enjoy it!**

**Marelle**

* * *

I just can't help.

I can't help but remember what she told me that night.

How dared she talk me the way she did ? Haw dared she refuse me ? I, probably the most eligible match to ever propose to her, when she has barely a dowry ! She is insane for sure !

No, she cannot be. She is just...different. And that's for I love her. She is so honnest, she prefered tell the truth than lie to me and make both of us miserable.

Oh, what she told me that night ! She was so angry. Her words, they were so harsh. I can still hear her voice in my ears. I have never been so wounded in my all life !

Truth hurts, they say.

But to say that I am not a gentleman ! I have probably many faults as everyone, but I think I can pride myself on being a good man.

Pride. She charges me of being proud, in any circonstance.

I am a man of importance among the Ton, many lifes depend upon me, I cannot deceive them. I have to be careful if I don't want find myself engaged to an unworthy lady in less time than needed to say « Pemberley ».

Thus said the very man who proposed to a lady whose family is supposed unworthy.

Perhaps she was unworthy of myself. Perhaps she knows that. Yes, that must be the reason for she refused me.

No, pride again, she was right. She said I was not even a gentleman. She doesn't think _me _worthy of her. And she blamed me with such charges !

But still, me, not being gentleman ? And for her charges...

She was right for Bingley and her sister. She is probably the person who knows the best Miss Bennet.

But in a way, to separate them may have been a way to protect her of being heartbroken : Bingley falls in and out of love so frequently !

It is different this time, I know that, I even confessed it myself to Miss Elizabeth, and anyway, Miss Bennet is already heartbroken.

But still, her charges were not founded, at least those about Wickham !

I hope she read the letters. Even if we will probably never meet again, I don't want her to keep a bad opinion of me.

But she believed him ! I think it is a proof she is blind and foolish, and not worthy of me : I cannot give to Georgianna such a sister !

Who is in fault ? Georgianna also believed him.

It is different, Miss Elizabeth is older and she was supposed to have a better judgement.

Is it really so different ? He is so charming sometimes. Even Father was blinded by his manners. Miss Elizabeth is not to be blamed.

But still, she probably believed him because it conforted her dislike of me.

Why did she dislike me so much ? She said I was not a gentleman. I know she is clever.

I don't see when I have not been a gentleman while I was with her.

She told about a selfish disdain. Did she heard my comment the first evening ? Did she misinterpret my behaviour toward her ?

I think I had made my intentions quite clear, and the way she looked me, smiling ! I thought she would welcome it !

Oh, her smile, so bright ! But wait... have I ever smile to her ? I mean, have I ever _really_ smile to her ? I don't think so.

I had to be carreful ! I cannot dance with a lady without the whole town whispering about an imminent engagement.

If I danced with more ladies, perhaps it would be different. And Meryton is hardly the Ton : every one would have understood that I could not marry in the area.

Except Mrs. Bennet, probably. I think she is the worst Mama matchmaker I have ever meet.

Thus said the very man who contemplated to choose her as his mother-in-law.

I won't have her, anyway.

But still, I could have been more amiable. Perhaps I could be now happily engaged if I had. It is too true, I have been disdainful.

And so ? Even if I had been less disdainful, it does not mean that Miss Elizabeth would have have me as her husband !

I could have been refused in more gentle way if I had been so in Meryton, but also in Kent. And in the way I proposed to her.

She chose to see it as insulting. « O my God, the richest gentleman of Derbyshire proposes to me, how insulting for me ! » Did she expect an Earl ? Am I not good enough for her ?

I am being silly. She does not care of money, otherwise she would have act as Caroline Bingley to « please » me. But she is not interested in money or even in rank.

Still, I am far superior to her : she could at least feel honored.

She is a gentlewoman, a gentleman's daughter. I may be superior to her by money and connexion, but I am hardly superior to her by the rank. And she was right : my proposal was insulting, if not toward herself, at least toward her family.

But they are exactly as I described them !

And she probably knows that. She has no need to be reminded their lack of propriety.

I perhaps hurt them, but still...

I abused her relatives, I brocke her sister's heart.

Alright, alright, I regret my words. And my action.

How would I feel if someone acted like that toward Georgianna ? She is right : I don't behave as a gentleman. Had I already forgot how I felt in Ramsgate ?

It is hardly the same thing.

But is it so different ? Wickham hurted and wrong his godfather's children, but I... I prouded myself of being a gentleman, but I hurted the woman I loved.

The woman I _love_.

I hurted her telling her I loved her.

I am so...ashamed.

I am not worthy of her. She was right to detest me. She was right when she said my proposal was not worthy of the gentleman I am supposed to be. I want to be worthy of her. I want to please her.

I will probably never see her again.

Then I want her to heard about my improvement. I want her to be proud of me.

Perhaps she was a kind of angel send to me by God to make me understand my fault. I understand.

I am still hurted, I am humiliated, but as the sinner I am, I beg forgiveness, and I promise to try to be a better man now.

Elizabeth...


End file.
